Saturday, December 26, 2009

boy, those wings are made of wax

lately I feel less like Sisyphus and more like Icarus. careening around up in the sky, way too high up than could possibly be good in the end.

I went to my doctor and got on pain pills after spending Thanksgiving with gritted teeth. nothing real serious, just Tylenol with codeine. still, it takes the edge off, and it sure was a sharp edge. I'm hoping this new set of Chinese herbs I'm on will make an improvement in the next couple months. I can't stay on opiates forever. I'm already anxious as hell about how messy it'll be when I decide to go off them. I had a bit of trouble getting another set of refills before I went to Memphis for the holiday, and just a day on half doses had me ready to fall apart.

I'm sitting in bed in my old room. looking out the window at the same puddle of yellow under the same streetlight as all those other Saturday nights, alone, bored, miserable. I could be with my favorite cousins and aunt at my grandfathers' house, but I just don't feel well enough to keep my composure, despite the drugs.

The first three weeks of the month were brilliant. literally, filled with an almost blinding light just coming out of everything and glinting in every puddle and shop window and blazing out from chinks in the clouds. I had a lovely birthday, the best I've ever had. I threw a party and people came. half a bar, taken over by people who like me. I made it through finals, passed everything, even Anatomy. Hell, I made a damn hundred on my Herbs final. I celebrated the solstice with the people I love the most. then I was riding high, grinning the whole way to the train, even the whole plane ride. too high, I guess, cos the second we landed I crashed like hell.

I'll be out of here soon, back to my cozy apartment and my rumbly cat and my familar things. back to bountiful, if dry and clanky, heat, back to not having to be carted around in my dad's oversized SUV, back to my bike and my friends... a week left before class starts, a week to spend Xmas money in thrift shops and on hair product and to spend time reading gratuitous fiction at the coffee shop...

I'm still working out what my New Year's resolution will be this year, if I have one at all. I think maybe last year it was just "to be happy." I think this year it might be "to want less." or "to believe in happy endings."

Until then, it's all about happy middles.