Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I'm starting to feel distant again


or this.

I'm just so fucking depressed
I just can't seem to get to get out this slump
if I could just get over this hump
but I need something to pull me out this dump

I took my bruises, took my lumps
fell down and I got right back up
but I need something to get me psyched back up...

Thursday, April 22, 2010

and it never really began, but in my heart it was so real...

it just kind of hit me. it's really over. there was never much there in the first place, just a lot of misplaced hope, a lot of trying real hard to cram a square peg into a round hole.

I wanted so much and I tried to make myself believe that too little was enough. but it just wasn't. my heart's been broken for a long-ass time and it's just now catching up to me.

I have spent almost every waking moment of the past 18 years longing for someone to take me out of myself. to give me someone to be. to make me belong. to make it stop hurting. maybe it's because I was raised on that "god-shaped hole" nonsense. maybe it's because my mom made me get on my knees as a little bitty girl and pray to Jesus for a husband.

I don't know how to be ok alone, despite the fact that I spent almost all my time alone. it's like, if I have someone specific to obsess about, then I won't feel so empty. If I can name and qualify this hurt it will somehow be lessened.

I have endless time. and endless pain. and nobody but me.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

steel guitar makes it real

The flag is gone from the roof of the Edgewater Beach Hotel.
how will I know which way the wind is blowing.

he says I love you just not how you want me to.
how the fuck am I supposed to process that.
what the fuck is that supposed to mean.

needs and wants and hurts

naked and bloody and veiny and shaking
alone and broken and unwanted in the dark.

it all boils down to this:

I wanted you
and you were a stone.

"and if it could start being alive you'd stop being alone."

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

everything falls apart

here's the thing. every time I try to have a relationship, it's never just me and him. it's always me, him, and pain. and if he's got his own pain to deal with, well, the bed just gets too small for all four of us.

maybe one day I'll be able to see the difference between me and pain. I'll quit thinking that my brokenness makes me inferior. I'll quit making excuses for the way I am when I am ravaged by pain.

I just don't know how to do that now. days like this when I just feel flayed, when my heart and lungs are raw with grief, I don't know how to separate who I am from this rotting flesh.

When I was small a teacher gave me a collection of fairy tales. I identify very strongly with the story of Catherine and her Fate. Except no fairy godmother ever came to me and asked me to decide between happiness in my youth or happiness in old age. and I have no guarantee that the Universe will ever cease to ask so much of me.



why not merely the despaired of
occasion of

is it not better abort than be barren

the hours after you are gone are so leaden
they will always start dragging too soon
the grapples clawing blindly the bed of want
bringing up the bones the old loves
sockets filled once with eyes like yours
all always is it better too soon than never
the black want splashing their faces
saying again nine days never floated the loved
nor nine months
nor nine lives


saying again
if you do not teach me I shall not learn
saying again there is a last
even of last times
last times of begging
last times of loving
of knowing not knowing pretending
a last even of last times of saying
if you do not love me I shall not be loved
if I do not love you I shall not love

the churn of stale words in the heart again
love love love thud of the old plunger
pestling the unalterable
whey of words

terrified again
of not loving
of loving and not you
of being loved and not by you
of knowing not knowing pretending

I and all the others that will love you
if they love you


unless they love you

(S. Beckett, 1936)

Sunday, April 04, 2010

definitely a madman with a box

new season. new Doctor.

newly restored faith in things getting better.