Tuesday, April 06, 2010

everything falls apart

here's the thing. every time I try to have a relationship, it's never just me and him. it's always me, him, and pain. and if he's got his own pain to deal with, well, the bed just gets too small for all four of us.

maybe one day I'll be able to see the difference between me and pain. I'll quit thinking that my brokenness makes me inferior. I'll quit making excuses for the way I am when I am ravaged by pain.

I just don't know how to do that now. days like this when I just feel flayed, when my heart and lungs are raw with grief, I don't know how to separate who I am from this rotting flesh.

When I was small a teacher gave me a collection of fairy tales. I identify very strongly with the story of Catherine and her Fate. Except no fairy godmother ever came to me and asked me to decide between happiness in my youth or happiness in old age. and I have no guarantee that the Universe will ever cease to ask so much of me.

1 comment:

............ said...

Profound.. Hey it's Mark.. Drop me an email @ bike.everywhere gmail.. I do not have yours, and there is no way to contact you through your page. Feel free to delete this comment.