Thursday, April 22, 2010

and it never really began, but in my heart it was so real...

it just kind of hit me. it's really over. there was never much there in the first place, just a lot of misplaced hope, a lot of trying real hard to cram a square peg into a round hole.

I wanted so much and I tried to make myself believe that too little was enough. but it just wasn't. my heart's been broken for a long-ass time and it's just now catching up to me.

I have spent almost every waking moment of the past 18 years longing for someone to take me out of myself. to give me someone to be. to make me belong. to make it stop hurting. maybe it's because I was raised on that "god-shaped hole" nonsense. maybe it's because my mom made me get on my knees as a little bitty girl and pray to Jesus for a husband.

I don't know how to be ok alone, despite the fact that I spent almost all my time alone. it's like, if I have someone specific to obsess about, then I won't feel so empty. If I can name and qualify this hurt it will somehow be lessened.

I have endless time. and endless pain. and nobody but me.

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