Sunday, February 03, 2008

wake up early and you live to regret

I suppose months of being on an anti-convulsive have left me susceptible to mood swings, but for the past few days I've really been plagued by an all pervading sadness that is occasionally overwhelming. I'm shaky and tired, having run out of Seroquel. not even sure if I should continue to take it. Benadryl seems to help me sleep just about as well. and is less toxic. meanwhile my nerves keep misfiring and my muscles feel scraped raw.

I hate being dependent on my parents. I hate feeling this way, I hate the lengths my sickness has forced me to go to get by. I hate this state of perpetual brokenness. I hate my dreams, dreams of being someone else, someone loved and cared for. In my dreams last night I was pregnant and getting married, thrilled to be creating something, thrilled to be wanted and needed and adored. To finally know that things would be ok. And then I wake alone and with no-one to take care of me or hold me when the pain grows so intense I chew my teeth raw. Nothing at all to look forward to, just these unending tears that won't stop leaking. and with cancelled plans and more nights alone and nothing to do but wait it out.

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