every year I go through a phase of denial about how badly the winter weather affects my health.

my pain levels have been around 8/10 for a week or so now and I've been having a hard time sleeping. the wind is about 25 mph most days so biking kicks my ass. I got a new cog for my back wheel so I'll be in an easier gear, and I'm hoping that will help. I have to accept that I am pretty much going to feel awful all the time no matter what and try to keep on.

I'm having a hard time getting any studying done because of my health. the pain seems to trigger the fight or flight mechanism in my brain so I have to battle a constant feeling of panic. zen meditation. I'm very intimidated by my 30 hour week schedule next semester. I'm sure I'll end up dropping something. I have to be patient with myself. accept my limits.

I know part of why I feel so shitty is from pushing myself too hard.

I feel like I am covered in 2nd degree burns from the waist down from being on my feet for a few hours yesterday. the SOFA art thingy was lovely but I ended up pretty disheartened by how exhausted and pain-stricken I was by the end of it. mermaid feet for sure.


dating seems to be working pretty well. it's hard for me to accept that someone would want to be around me when I am not feeling well. I have a hard time balancing out my sickness with the rest of me, which is in fact pretty awesome. it's been so wonderful to have company on my Bad Days, though. mostly I just have to focus on now, instead of on future endings.

I seem to have stopped thinking of myself as crazy about 2 months ago. it just ceased to be part of who I am. Now I'm just someone who is trying really really hard despite feeling like she's being burned alive.

a good friend from back home has a film at the Reeling festival and invited me to go see it. I'm excited, although a little afraid of homesickness.

a month left til my birthday.