being in a relationship with a neurotypical is a constant battle between resentment and self-loathing. I can push myself past my limits trying to keep up with him, and then be crippled for days, or I can stay in my safe zone and feel bitter and left out. either way, I still end up sobbing myself to sleep at night, wishing I could have my body back. wondering when the statute of limitations runs out on this lucky streak.
I have to swallow so much of my bitterness; if I let even a tenth of it escape my lips I risk driving him away with my negativity. I can't let him know how much I need him. it's not just the simple logic of love=endorphins and therefore decreased pain. it's that he doesn't know what it feels like not to be loved. the misery of years and years of believing myself evil, foul, cursed, crazy. how much it hurts to think of what it would be like if he were to leave.
there are times when I can't stop crying and he holds me til I calm down and all he can say is that I should relax. I don't know how to relax when the fear that it will always be like this comes upon me.
I would never wish this on anyone but I wish he could just for one minute feel what it's like for me. living every day with this pain and weariness and the soul-crushing fear of being left out. left behind. left alone.
I wonder if I will ever really let go and trust him to stick around. I hope so.
I guess only time will tell.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Thursday, October 07, 2010
amazing quadruple happiness heart and liver tea!
Dear herb nerds,
Today I bought some pretty brown dried flowers labelled he huan hua at the Vinh Hoa herb shop. I mostly bought it because it looked so cool in that giant jar right in front of the cash register, and had such a lovely fragrance, but I also loved what the owner had to say about it.
"It's good for your heart. it will make you relaxed in your heart." She said the same thing about reishi (and was dead on), so I couldn't resist. After looking at it closely and reading the Bensky entry I decided it is actually ye huan hua, the cocos magnolia flower. I am very happy that it not albizzia flower, though, because OMG it smells amazing. like childhood memories.
I went home and made this amazing quadruple happiness heart and liver tea from the giant pile of herbal teas in my cabinet.
Try this:
equal parts ground reishi mushroom,
crushed magnolia cocos flower,
Chinese rose (rosa chinensis) or tea rose (r. rugosa),
peppermint or field mint.
steep in a warmed teapot with boiling hot water for 10 minutes. can be steeped several times.
while the result will be slightly different depending on which kinds of rose and mint are available, here you have a lovely comforting tea that nourishes the heart, and moves heart and liver qi and blood. It's pretty balanced in temperature, containing two neutral, one warm and one cool ingredients; It smells like waking up in a garden. It boosts the immune system and makes your breath smell nice, too!
If you can get rosa rugosa it would probably be great for distressing menstrual complaints. If you can get the super secret wine fried reishi it will be warming; same if you use spearmint. I'm sure it could be further tweaked by adding lotus stamens or lily bulbs to make it cooling but I think it's kind of perfect as it is.
Just thought I would share.
Today I bought some pretty brown dried flowers labelled he huan hua at the Vinh Hoa herb shop. I mostly bought it because it looked so cool in that giant jar right in front of the cash register, and had such a lovely fragrance, but I also loved what the owner had to say about it.
"It's good for your heart. it will make you relaxed in your heart." She said the same thing about reishi (and was dead on), so I couldn't resist. After looking at it closely and reading the Bensky entry I decided it is actually ye huan hua, the cocos magnolia flower. I am very happy that it not albizzia flower, though, because OMG it smells amazing. like childhood memories.
I went home and made this amazing quadruple happiness heart and liver tea from the giant pile of herbal teas in my cabinet.
Try this:
equal parts ground reishi mushroom,
crushed magnolia cocos flower,
Chinese rose (rosa chinensis) or tea rose (r. rugosa),
peppermint or field mint.
steep in a warmed teapot with boiling hot water for 10 minutes. can be steeped several times.
while the result will be slightly different depending on which kinds of rose and mint are available, here you have a lovely comforting tea that nourishes the heart, and moves heart and liver qi and blood. It's pretty balanced in temperature, containing two neutral, one warm and one cool ingredients; It smells like waking up in a garden. It boosts the immune system and makes your breath smell nice, too!
If you can get rosa rugosa it would probably be great for distressing menstrual complaints. If you can get the super secret wine fried reishi it will be warming; same if you use spearmint. I'm sure it could be further tweaked by adding lotus stamens or lily bulbs to make it cooling but I think it's kind of perfect as it is.
Just thought I would share.
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