chronic

being in a relationship with a neurotypical is a constant battle between resentment and self-loathing. I can push myself past my limits trying to keep up with him, and then be crippled for days, or I can stay in my safe zone and feel bitter and left out. either way, I still end up sobbing myself to sleep at night, wishing I could have my body back. wondering when the statute of limitations runs out on this lucky streak.

I have to swallow so much of my bitterness; if I let even a tenth of it escape my lips I risk driving him away with my negativity. I can't let him know how much I need him. it's not just the simple logic of love=endorphins and therefore decreased pain. it's that he doesn't know what it feels like not to be loved. the misery of years and years of believing myself evil, foul, cursed, crazy. how much it hurts to think of what it would be like if he were to leave.

there are times when I can't stop crying and he holds me til I calm down and all he can say is that I should relax. I don't know how to relax when the fear that it will always be like this comes upon me.

I would never wish this on anyone but I wish he could just for one minute feel what it's like for me. living every day with this pain and weariness and the soul-crushing fear of being left out. left behind. left alone.

I wonder if I will ever really let go and trust him to stick around. I hope so.
I guess only time will tell.