Friday, March 14, 2008

I've been house-sitting since Saturday: far removed from my comfort zone. I brought my own sweet angel baby mouse and my computer but home is way more than just those two things, although they are definitely its infrastructure. it's too cold and there's no light in this apartment, despite the mammoth and heat-sucking windows. one of the cats i am watching is apparently in heat and won't be silent. my cat talks a LOT but not like this. there's something so penetrating and alarming about her yowling. it makes it hard to sleep, and my heart starts pounding every time she starts. my own sweet baby sings along, though, and their opera faces are pretty dang cute.

the brain zaps are almost all gone. very very faint. still very moody. I've had a rough couple of weeks dealing with friends. I think being off meds has made me less forgiving, which is actually positive. I don't make as many excuses for people anymore. when I was stuck in bed all winter I was starved for human contact and didn't take very good care of my emotional needs. now I feel like I am separating wheat from chaff.

this is still very hard, and very lonely, and very scary. I hate applying for jobs, I am terrified of the holes in my resume, I seem to have lost a lot of confidence. and I still feel weak as hell.

I wish I could get paid to ride my bike.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

when i was detoxing, i would video tape myself everytime i had a massive freak out. i also took omega 3's, antioxidants, valerian root and vitamin c. it all helped. fuck, i'm so sorry you are going through what you are going through. i remember not knowing which way was up at times. i had little self confidence, which is SO not like me. i also blogged a lot, listened to rocky votolato and lucero attic tapes. for some reason kiss the bottle could make me weep. anyway....enough blabbing from a stranger. good luck dear.