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I have trouble with patience. Now that things are starting to get better, I want it all at once. I want new shoes and tickets to Pitchfork and a new fixie and fucking true love. my brain keeps kicking into hamster wheel mode and while the ridiculous thoughts are nowhere near as life-threatening (or at least 3rd degree burn inducing) as they used to be, they still wear me out.



my therapist told me I need to start meditating more. shut this monkey mind up. right now it's just yammering on and on about the alone forevers and throwing its own shit at me.


monkey mind has a lot to bear right now. my brother's wife just had a baby and I feel fucked up about it. he did some terrible things while we were growing up and now he's in Southern Baptist Seminary, wants to go off to Iraq/n and be a chaplain, get blowed the fuck up. I can't remember a single time in my life I ever felt close to him. mostly there's just decades of shame and fear and resentment and anger.

I still have a long way to go, and a lot of shit to get over. sitting at home alone 90% of the time doesn't help, but it beats going to a bar.





this last one might have to be my new theme for the year. from me to me.